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Growing Pains
By David Leonhardt, Fri Dec 9th
Growing Pains By David Leonhardt Growing up is never easy. Just ask Little Lady, almostthree-and-a-half, how hard it is. She’ll tell you. “It’s really,really hard. Half way through the day, my parents are a completewreck.” She’s right. Sometimes the tension in here gets so thick youcould almost slice it with a turbo-jet, 9,000 horsepowerchainsaw. Almost.
Like the other day when we were leading Little Lady upstairs togo to bed. She decided that the stairs were the perfect place tospring a surprise “balance” exam. So she pushed me to see if Iwould fall down the stairs, and maybe even knock my wife downalong the way. “Hey! Don’t push me down the stairs.” Obviously, I was missing the point of the surprise exam. Shepushed again. “Don’t do that!” I almost shouted. After two attempts, you would think I would be given an A+, butshe pushed again. I got fierce. “What part of ‘Don’t push me down the stairs!’don’t you understand?” “The ‘don’t’ part,” my wife interjected. “She understands therest all too well.” Everybody has a different parenting style, and I am no-one tobelittle others who raise their children differently. But Ibelieve the most effective parenting style is thedon’t-cry-over-spilt-milk approach. “Little Lady, where is your sippy cup?” “I don’t know.” “Is it in the living room?” “I don’t know.” “Is it here? No. What about here? No. Is it…ah, here it is andit’s empty. Good girl, you drank it all.” “No, I just put it there.” “Where’s the milk?” “Maybe in the carpet.” In addition to the assorted juices, milk and water that ourvoracious green carpet has sneaked from Little Lady’s sippy cup,there is the matter Little Sister’s milk bottle. Did you know that if you tip it just right and apply optimumpressure, you can empty an entire baby bottle into a carpet? Atone year old (almost), Little Sister has already mastered thetechnique. Next week I’ll be filling in the early enrollmentforms for engineering school. Somewhere out there is a cow whose sole purpose in life is tofeed our living room carpet. But what happens to all that milk.By all rights, every step on the carpet should
emit a very loud“squish” sound. Growing up should, in theory, bring some relief to us parents.Of course, it is the being grown up that brings relief, and thenwe will look fondly back on these growing pains. But until parental senility takes root, there are some hopefulsigns. Little Lady has finally been toilet trained, which ismostly good. However, there are some unpredicted side effects.For instance, we used to be able to sleep through the night. Butnow we get called to duty in the wee hours of the morning. “Waaaaaa….aaahhhh!!!!” “What’s the matter, Little Lady?” “I wet my undies.” Fortunately, I can always go back to bed, and after twentyminutes, just as I am fading back into sleep… “Mommy!” “What is it now?” “You’re not my mommy.” “Your mommy is asleep, lucky for her. What do you need?” “I need to go pee.” Fortunately, I can always go back to my pillow, and afteranother twenty minutes, just as I am fading back into sleep… “Mommy!” “What is it this time?” “You’re not my mommy.” “Your mommy is still asleep. Let’s not wake her. What do youneed now?” “I need to poop.” Fortunately, I can always crawl back under the covers, and afteranother twenty minutes, just as I am finally fading back intosleep… “Papa.” “What now?” “It’s morning.” “Little Lady, it’s still dark.” “No. Come here. Look out the window. It’s not night any more.See? The sky is lighting. It’s a beautiful, sunny day. What arewe going to do today, Papa?” As I bring Little Lady downstairs to revel in the joy of a newday on our green and milk colored carpet, I wonder why webothered toilet training her. As I lift the garbage bags tocarry them to the street, 120 yards away, I have my answer.Since Little Lady has abandoned those disposable diapers, wehave been consuming much less garbage. Now, if somebody would kindly push me down the stairs so I canget some sleep… About the author:David Leonhardt is a humor columnisthttp://www.thehappyguy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.htmlRead more humor articles:http://www.thehappyguy.com/humor-articles.html Read morepersonal growth articles:http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.htmlVisit his liquid vitamins store:http://www.vitamin-supplements-store.net
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